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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

My Personal Independence Day

This is my annual repost of the blog I originally posted 07/05/05 (on another site):

This July 4th marks my own declaration of independence. The idea was born in the last week of June and solidified into a statement this weekend.

Here is my declaration of independence: I will no longer make excuses for those who neglect me or mistreat me.

Maybe that doesn't sound monumental to you, but it is a monumental decision for me. In the past, I've made excuses for those I loved. My husband couldn't get a job? I understood he was depressed and got a job myself to support the family. Meanwhile, he ran around on me while I was at work and/or lived off me and pulled me deeper in debt. My boyfriend didn't call? He was busy and I needed to give him space. What a chump I was!

All this "understanding" only led to the long, drawn out murder of the relationship. And, only last week, I decided "NO MORE!" OK, so I'm a slow-learner.

This is what I've gotten from my declaration of independence...I don't have to feel guilty because I break up with someone who doesn't meet my needs. Breaking up with him doesn't mean he's a bad person or I'm a bad person--it just means that, together, we aren't good.

Last week, I faced the fact that the thrill I felt when my boyfriend called did not make up for the 3 or 4 days between calls. I had to admit that I NEED more attention than he gave. I'd explained to him how I felt when he called, hoping that would spur him to call more often. It didn't. I decided I didn't want to spend any more time feeling neglected.

So, here I am making my declaration of independence--not from a man, but from my own insecurities. I will face my needs squarely and not compromise on the meeting of those needs. It's a great, big world out there and I will eventually meet the one whose needs are met through filling my needs--and whose needs I meet as well.

I didn't come to this conclusion until recently. If I'd come to it earlier, I would have saved myself, and others, a bit of pain. However, I think that everything that has happened to me so far has made me who I am today--and I like that person, so I don't want to change the past. I just want a little more control over my future.

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